Secret SNL Script Subpoenaed By Congress.
-- READ IT HERE FIRST!
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1
NewsDesk: "We begin tonight with the latest developments about the financial crisis. Rationing has been ordered. Due to shortages, an emergency-order has been enacted. If you drive tomorrow, you will be pulled-over by police, arrested, issued a $10,000 dollar fine, your auto seized, impounded, then auctioned-off to raise funds for children's programs, as a result of YOUR unnatural-use of fossil-fuels -- IF your name begins with ..."
2
-- Screen goes all blue, Presidential Seal, with white letters and background-announcer: "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important announcement. (file-picture, US Congress, massive motorcade) "Congress has just agreed to a bipartisan proposal to PRIORITIZE education-funding, sacrificing teacher salaries and 'K-thru-12' programs to free-up billions for use by a team of Ivy League Academics and Nobel Laureates to study ways to save money. By adopting "the-homeless-can-wait" agenda, they are currently traveling in seized private-corporate-jets to award the President for their historic examination of lifestyles that contribute to greenhouse-gas emissions and wasteful spending. Congress and Academia reminds you to consume LESS or get taxed MORE."
3
NewsDesk: " ... so don't forget to check our broadcast each night folks, to see if you will be arrested for violating the emergency gas-rationing order by not staying-home. Don't drive tomorrow if we just announced your number, name or address. Now to the weather ..."
4
Weatherman: "There is an emergency contamination warning combined with an extreme-weather alert. An odorless, colorless, tasteless gas cloud that causes instant asphyxiation has descended, carried by strong WINDS THAT CHANGE. A mild storm-system is pushing toxic-fumes into certain rural and suburban areas. Everyone must evacuate if you live in the following sections of ..."
5
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters, background-announcer: "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important Presidential Announcement. (file-picture, Legislators dozing at their desks). "Congress has just announced a proposal to talk about talking. "We talk alot and it's hard work, so it's important to talk about talking," Congressional-leadership says. "We need employer-provided insurance-coverage for the counseling. We deserve that benefit." At the White House Rose Garden tomorrow, a Congressional delegation will award President Obama with a magnificent ceremonial saber, encased in diamonds, with Zarconian-inlayed laser-etched script that says, 'Words matter.' Now back to our regular programming ..."
6
Weatherman: " ... combined with the EXTREME WEATHER, you must immediately seek EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION if you drove through that portion of the city at any time in the past several days. Emergency technicians are standing-by so call this number to see if you and/or your family is at risk ..."
7
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters, background-announcer: "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important Presidential Announcement. This is a TEST of the Presidential Announcement System. This is only a TEST. We apologies for this TEST. It is necessary to TEST the Congressional-acclaimed Presidential Announcement System. Now back to your regular programming ..."
8
NewsDesk: " ... when asked about the allegations of snorting cocaine from the buttocks of a prostitute, he replied, "It was his gay 15-year-old son." And a parental-alert here folks, but what tipped-off investigators was the following series of pictures of the trio which surfaced when ..."
9
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters: "We interrupt this broadcast to inform you that President Obama is currently tieing his shoes. "'No President has been so self-efficient. It's truly inspring." Both houses of Congress have passed a joint-resolution recognizing him for his accomplishment. Keeping you abreast of the latest about the historic Obama Presidency. Now back to our regular programming ..."
10
NewsDesk: " ... that's one for the record books. If you can help that local family, call the number that will display on your screen ..."
11
-- Screen goes all blue, white-letters, Picture of Capitol Building, and background-announcer: "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important Presidential Announcement. Congress has gone home early for the day, adjourning for catered-lunch aboard private yahts, where they will award each other with 'above-and-beyond-the-call-of-duty' sufferage-plques and memorabilia confiscated from 'people-elements.' During their exclusive white tie and tail gala, thousands of reporters will be subsidized to photograph america's-finest hard at networking on behalf of liberty. Now back to your regular programming ..."
12
NewsDesk: "This just in. We have some school closures. Parents and students will have to make other arrangements if attending these schools that will be closed tomorrow. The first one is ..."
13
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters: "We interrupt this broadcast to inform you that President Obama is sleeping. Congress has just recognized President Obama as a role-model in how americans can reduce stress. "'A good nights sleep is important. Even a DRUG INDUCED mild-coma sometimes helps. Don't deal with it -- sleep through it -- emergencies can often wait and eventually go away -- sleep-through what you can," say senior-Congressional-aides backed by the Surgeon General. "'Rest easy knowing we're in control.'" now back to our regular programming ..."
14
NewsDesk: " ... and that's it for important announcements. Now for the winning Lotto numbers ... somebody locally won it, I understand -- it could be you. And we're doubling-it with Congress-approved BAILOUT cooperation-money. The winning numbers are ..."
15
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters: "We interrupt this broadcast to inform you that President Obama will be SERVED free-range eggs, Florida orange-juice and light toast with his breakfast ..." Congress is holding a tribute for themselves on behalf of President Obama's green-based bio-initiatives and will award each other Stolid Platinum, gold and diamond RINGS, cuff-links, WATCHES, CHINA, dentures, braclets, coat-hangers, shoe-racks, tie-clasps, broaches, yahts, furniture, inlayed-bathtubs made for two, and party-sized cherubs, made in the image of liberated taxpayers -- now back to our regular programming ..."
16
NewsDesk: " ... so if I just said your name, congratulations, you just won lotto's hundred-million-dollar jackpot, and we doubled it. We now check in with our field-correspondent on-site at the disaster zone for an update about ... "
17
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters: "We interrupt this broadcast for breaking news. At a catered-lunch ceremony today in honor of President Obama, Congress has announced that no President has consistently completed breakfast before 10AM every morning within HIS first 60-days of office. Life-sized billion-dollar Emerald and Jade statues honoring President Obama will be commissioned by Congress to be erected at the entrances to all nationalized branches of your local banks. "'This is unprecedented job-growth in the area of statuary,'" says Congressional spokesperson Joyce Hellen Heller-Gorsky-Peters-Andersen, Ph.D., M.A., PS>B.S., President Pro Tem and ranking member of the House Ways and Means Committee, and a graduate of Harvard, Yale, UCLA, USC, BYU and MIT, twice-divorced, white, available female in her 30's, speaking on condition of annonymity in her bid for a U.S. Senate seat. "'It's not about me, or my five doctorates paid for by Congress, or my tax-payer-provided penthouse and limousine. I've cut back and made some serious sacrifices on behalf of the american people,'" she said wearing a LYNX body-suit, cape-combo with hand-made hat and conservatively-slylish matching gloves. -- now back to our regular programming ..."
18
NewsDesk: "That's a dangerous assignment. Once again, we'd like to thank our correspondent in the field who just heroically took those risks to keep you abreast of the latest developments. Can you imagine the courage? Pull-up that last image. It's amazing. Check this out again, folks ..."
19
-- Screen goes all blue, with white letters: "We interrupt our regular-broadcast for breaking news. In honor of "SED," or, "Saving Energy Day" in Zimbabwe, Congress will be taking two-weeks paid vacation commencing immediately. On their way out the door, each awarded themselves a 7-digit bonus, praising President Obama's economic stimulus while promising to hold hearings about the tens-of-millions being kicked-out of their jobs and homes by recently nationalized-banks after the holiday. "'There's nothing better than a short paid get-a-way to prove that going-shopping is patriotic. Follow our shining-example.'" -- now back to our regular broadcast ..."
20
NewsDesk: "Amazing footage. But wait until you see this. It has just been learned that new details have emerged about both the JFK and MLK assassinations. Astonishing recently-discovered films prove it. This disturbing footage has never been seen before. Watch closely and ..."
21
-- Screen goes all blue, with Presidential Seal, white letters: "We interrupt our regular-broadcast for breaking news. Congress is cutting-short their observance of a two-week 'saving-energy' holiday applicable only to themselves by returning one hour early to dedicate a $20-billion-dollar nuclear-reactor-powered solar-array wind-turbine, geo-thermal enhanced electric-tree made from recycled Hubble Space Telescope Mirrors and other obsolete NASA sub-systems by MIT Engineers cooperatively with Microsoft and Google in honor of themselves and President Obama's appreciation of "needless wasteful meetings regulations.' All in attendance will be presented with a Fabrege' Egg filled with pricless black-pearls of antiquity. Also included is a pre-paid safare' for each, 15-days aboard the THE BIG RED BOAT for 12, and one-thousand free meals perks and benefits courtesy of religious leaders. Now back to our regular broadcast ..."
22
NewsDesk: "... and further, ads like these are often deemed 'obscene' by religious groups, so send us your thoughts via email. What do you think? Do you think this ad is 'INNOCENT?' or, does it promote mental-images of "SEXY teenage-cheerleader asses" and "erect teen male-anatomy without DYSFUNCTION" as CHURCH obsesses? Now watch again before sending us your thoughts about these naked teen innocents. It's our first time ..."
23
-- Screen goes all blue, with Presidential Seal, white letters: "We interrupt our regular-broadcast for breaking news. A Congressional spokesperson has just confirmed that Congress has approved a new GIANT GOLD MEDAL to be awarded President Obama's DOG, honoring the FREE-CHOICE of employers whom FREELY-CHOOSE to enliven employee-relations if pets are FREELY-CHOSEN to ANIMATE workplace-environments, with the roll-out of the new seven-hundred billion-dollar PetWorkPlaceEquality_Act protecting the sanctity of ProactivePetFreedomOfChoice for employers' cats and dogs in the workplace. The prize will be presented to his daughter "'Annoaquia,'" (pronounced 'On-knew-quia' in the tongue of the OriginalPeople, but due to a rare time-displaced, cross-language literacy-evaluative-translatory nomenclature-malfunction, the Obama's FREELY-CHOSE a different name, a CROSS between "malignant" and "knee-ya'" {psuedo-subliminal for "need ya'"} in 'IdiotLanguage_US' the cult brainwashing-derivative of the stolen English Tongue used predominantly in the United States as approved by the exclusive ALL WHITE MALE PRIVATE CLUB MEMBERSHIP of the U.S. Senate's disguised-oligarchical usurpatory oversight of Education.) Congress reminds you to 'Get your degree today at any Senate-sponsored university you have FREELY-CHOSEN.'" -- now back to our regular programming ..."
24
NewsDesk: "That's all for tonight folks. Thanks for being with us. HOPE it helps. That's what we're here for -- to ensure good nights and pleasant tomorrows by keeping you informed about what's important."
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Get the message?
Kind Regards,
Clayton Winton - HFA
